Sunday, January 18, 2009

New year, new start, blah blah blah!

Sitting two weeks into 2009, I'm overcome with a strange mix of emotions.

The end of 2008 was so awful that 2009 was always going to come as a refreshing change and its amazing how a few seconds on the clock can make such a big difference.

December 2008 is a month that I won't forget in a hurry. In 31 days (Well, technically 32) my life changed. On 30th November one of my cats (well, technically my parents' cats) was run over and killed. She wasn't a very sociable cat but she was part of the family and she will be missed.

I was upset by this. I love cats and as I say, she was part of the family. I found out fairly late on the Sunday evening when I was due to get up and go to a breakfast networking meeting. I was in shock when I first found out and the idea of networking with complete strangers was possibly the hardest thing I could have imagined doing. I contacted my employer to be met with a completely unreasonable response. This sent me into another panic attack and wondering how on earth I was supposed to continue at work when the simple idea of going into the office made me feel physically sick.

I need not have worried as one week later it was announced that they were making redundancies at work. In fact they were looking to virtually halve the work force. After a lot of talking with my family and Stephen, I decided to offer voluntary redundancy. I had been looking for a new job anyway and one more than one occasion I had thought about handing in my notice with no new job to go to. This way I got a redundancy package to tide me over until I found something new.

So as of 15th December, I was looking for a new job. I was asked to work my one months notice in order to hand over to other members of staff. The two weeks before Christmas are impossible to find work and whilst the original anouncement said that they wanted it to be a quick process, those who were made compulsory redundant did not find out until January 2nd.

Still, this was my escape route. No more feeling sick or angry every second I was at work. No more having to deal with people who had no respect for me and playing around with ridiculous office politics. All I had to do was keep my head down for a few weeks (which included virtually 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year) and I was home free.

On December 22nd, my Grandmother died.

She was 89 and had been ill with Alzheimer's for several years. She was a shell of the amazing woman she had once been. I had a lot of respect for my grandmother. She had lived quite a life, in the army, in the Normandy landings, shipwrecked and as a mother and grandmother to my mother and uncle, me and my sister. We were never close. She just wasn't that sort of person and whilst the end of any life is sad, when my dad rang me to tell me, I was relieved more than anything. Relieved that she was at peace. Relieved that she was no longer a worry to my mother and uncle. Relieved that it was the end.

Before anyone really had time to think about what was happening, it was Christmas. A whirlwind of emotions followed. A mixture of what we were all feeling and guilt about what we weren't feeling. Christmas day was quiet and fairly empty. There was no champagne, no log fire. The credit crunch meant none of us could splash out on presents and Hannah was spending Christmas in Croydon with the Gordon's so it felt like something was missing. It was an okay day but given that I absolutely adore Christmas and start getting excited about it in October, it all feel somewhat flat this year.

Grandma's funeral was on New Year's eve morning. It was a freezing cold day but family and friends came to pay their respects. It was nice to see family again and introduce Stephen to them although it would have been better in other circumstances.

We came back from the funeral, spent a couple of hours catching up on sleep and then out to dinner in the evening, just Stephen and I. It was a nice quiet evening and were home by 11:30 to watch the last bit of BBC1's New Year count down and watch the fireworks as the clock chimed midnight.

I did not cry at midnight like I do most years. I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. As the minutes ticked on into 2009, I climbed into bed glad that December was over and that it really was a new start.

As Robin Sharma, my favourite inspirational writer, says "The best thing about the future being unknown is that anything is possible".

Two weeks into 2009, I know that this is true. I've left my job and although I don't have another yet, I don't have the feelings of panic and sickness that I used to every morning. I've been to the gym and eaten a lot healthier and have managed to lose 7lbs in two weeks.

I can see the future, I don't know what it holds, but it's certainly bright.