Words and feelings in my head

Things are a lot better now, I've calmed down and S and I are going away tomorrow for a few days by ourselves. No more kids or families or mother in laws. Just the two of us.

These past few days I've felt slightly agitated and restless. I've been wanting to write things down but wasn't too sure what. I've wanted to just get things out, written down. It's not particularly about how I've been feeling or any particularly poetic observations. I just wanted to write.

Part of me has been thinking about work. Part of me has wanted to plan for the future. Sitting in S's brother's house, looking at everything he and his family has has made me think a lot about the future. What my future will be like, what I want it to be like and how we are going to get there.

I make no excuses for liking the finer things in life. I know the kind of house I want to live in and car I want to drive. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be happy with less because I know that these are material things and at the end of the day, so long as Stephen and I are together with a roof over our heads and food on the table then I'll have everything I need. But why aim for second best?

I am a very positive and determind person but one of my problems is that I do not always have the plan to back up my ideas. I have a firm belief that something will happen and whilst I believe in fate and God and that we have support to fulfil our wildest dreams if we want them enough, maybe I should be doing something to make it all happen!

I guess I struggle with my beliefs. On the one hand I believe in God and believe in fate and believe that everyone has a purpose in life. On the other hand I believe that we make our own destiny and that we have to work hard and dream harder to get the things we want in life.

Thomas Jefferson is atritbuted to the quote "The harder I work, the luckier I become" and it is a mantra many millionaires stand by. Another is that "you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough." But is just wanting it enough?

I won't wait for opportunity to knock. I am bad at sitting around doing nothing. I noticed it when I was ill a couple of weeks ago. I noticed it in the first few days of my holiday. I cannot just wait for things to come to me, for life to pass me by. I want to get out there, grab life by the throat and say 'Come on then! What have you got?'

Oz Experience

I am currently in Perth, Western Australia. I am visiting my boyfriend's brother who lives out here with his wife and two children. Obviously, I am with my boyfriend but his other brother and mother are also here. All together there are eight people in this house and I am the only one who is not a Higgins!

We arrived at 1am on Monday morning and it is now Thursday afternoon, we are here for 3 weeks so there is still a long time to go. I am having a wonderful time. It's nice to be on holiday. I have not had a break since I went to Rhodes with my sister in 2006. It is nice to escape the UK which hasn't seen sun in such a long time. It is nice to get away from my life there for a little while and forget about work and everything that has happened in the last year. I feel relaxed.

There are times that I have been not so relaxed. Back home I live alone and although I am a sociable person, I like my own space and peace and quiet. With eight people in a house (including 2 under the age of 10) peace and quiet does not come easily. I am worried about making a good impression on the family I have not met before. For the past 18 months I have been with Stephen, I've heard so much about them, about how much he loves and misses the kids and how important it is for me to get on with them. There is pressure to behave properly in someone else's house which is fine but does mean that I am always slightly on edge and cannot totally relax. Stephen's mother is a typical Irish mother who fusses and makes sure that everyone is okay all the time and that you do not want for anything. It is very sweet but again, can be very draining when I'd rather just be lying peacefully in silence.

I always worry what other people think of me. I don't want to be butting in on this precious family time so have to keep reminding myself that I was invited to come along. Stephen's eldest brother (who lives here) is 21 years older than me and I am desperate not to come across as a stupid kid. I don't want to annoy Stephen's other brother who seems to get worked up at everything.

I'm sure things will be okay and that it is just a case of adjusting. This is only day four and I think we are all only just about getting over jetlag. I will just relax into things and now that the kids are off school for the holidays, I think it is about time to have some fun.