"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve through not dying."

The quote is from Woody Allen although it's interesting how people view their work.

I apologise now for the ramblings which are about to ensue on this posting. My head is in a mess and if I can't try to sort things out on my blog, where can I, eh?

First and foremost, I love my job. My first post in my blog was about that and how I really do enjoy what I do. I know that I'm lucky in that respect. I have done crap jobs and hated going into work and spent every second wishing I was somewhere else. Not now though. Generally, I can't seem to spend enough time at work! I work through lunch, work late, work weekends. Even now, on a Sunday evening, I'm looking at our website and seeing what needs to be changed on it. I can't wait to get to work in the morning and sort things out and get on with things.

However, firstly, I can feel my stress levels rising. I'm not sleeping properly, my whole body aches, I'm constantly tired, I have a headache and I can never seem to relax or switch off. I do try. Maybe not hard enough but I do try. It's difficult. On Friday I will have worked 19 days with 1 day off. I long for a day off but at the same time, don't want to take one because I enjoy being at work. Plus I worry that if I take a day off, I'll come back to even more work that's been plonked on my desk without me knowing what the hell it is!!

Then there's the other issue at work and this is what is hurting my head.

In July my manager left in not very nice conditions. I won't go into details but it was a very difficult and unpleasent time. My colleague and I carried on running the department with the help of a temp and all was good. The PR manager also left because she found a better job and is saving for a wedding and stuff. Then my colleague changed departments to PR and a part time member of fundraising was brought in.

The 'Powers that Be' then decided that we'd have a joint fundraising and PR manager. They also said that we'd all be involved in the process because it was important that we got on with the person and also that when the position was sorted out, members of staff would be invited to apply for it if they wanted to although this was a new role, not just a replacement for the manager(s) that left.

I do not have the qualifications or experience that they are looking for for this position. I cannot do what they are asking of this person. To be honest, I didn't believe that the person they were looking for actually existed, certainly not in the local area. I am the only member of the fundraising team that was there 4 months ago and I'm the only full time member of staff in the department. The Powers that Be have just expected me to carry on with everything regardless and for four months, I have. Not only that but I've been building on things and developing them. The longer I've been doing the job the more I've believed that actually, maybe, with a bit of training, I could be fundraising manager. Not this fundraising and PR dream manager that they're looking for but I could do a lot more than I have been doing or have been given the opportunity to do.

On Friday morning, 4 women came for interviews for the managers position.

We weren't told it was going to happen. We weren't warned. Last we knew was that they were 'still looking'. So when these women turn up to be interviewed, I was shocked, angry and hurt. What's more is that the HR manager then booked a date and rooms for a second interview, again without talking to us, which means that we're not going to be involved. At all.

On Wednesday night I went to an event and was chatting to other charities and a major national charity offered me a job. In fact, they were begging me to join them. And if they hadn't been based in central London then I'd probably be considering it.

Where I work has a huge turn over of staff and it's not at all suprising if this is how they treat them.

I'm worried that they'll employ one of these women just to have someone in position rather than actually finding the right person. Meanwhile I'm working every hour under the sun to keep the department afloat with no extra show of appreciation either financial or even verbal. They haven't asked us what we think, what we would do. The trustees sit in musty rooms gathering dust and deciding what's best for the charity and what direction we should go in. They produce bits of paper depicting our future without having the faintest idea what goes on in the day-to-day running of the place.

I think it's a case of playing it by ear. Whatever happens, I'll stay until April until after the London Marathon because I adore that event. It has been one of the most enjoyable things I have ever been involved with and I want to do it again next year.

But after that...Well. After that I'll reassess the whole situation and see if anything has changed.