Blogging

Now, I know I'm not a famous blogger and the fact that my posts tend to average about 1 every 3 months at the moment probably goes some way to explaining why that is. However, I do like writing and enjoy sharing my thoughts with the world whether they choose to read them or not.

I am currently writing my work's 'Social Media Policy' which is about as dreary as the weather on this Monday afternoon that I'm writing it so I thought I'd take a break to update my blog (before the policy gets written and it becomes 'illegal' to do so at work!).

Now there are blogs about anything. And so there should be. If someone is passionate enough to write about a subject, there's got to be people out there interested in reading about them. From food to fashion, dancing to driving, if you're doing it, you can guarantee someone else is blogging about it.

Which leads me on to the phenomenon of wedding blogs.

For those that don't know or didn't get the subtle hints in my update blog, I am now betrothed (awesome word) and will be becoming Mrs Alice Higgins on 8th October 2011. I do love weddings and if every other bride to be in the world is even a fraction of how happy and excited I am then good on them.

As I say, I love weddings. I love going to weddings. I love talking about weddings. I love reading about weddings. But there does come a point where enough is enough and I want to go and hide away from anything wedding related because it's all becoming a bit stressful. I don't know why I do it to myself really!!

There are some fab wedding blogs out there.

Dainty Brides(http://www.mission2wed.blogspot.com/) is great for small finds and reminding us why we're putting ourselves through this stress in the first place.

Mission 2 Wed (http://www.mission2wed.blogspot.com/) is a local girl who is getting married in 9 months and shares all the excitement that I do. I have never met her but I keep squealing when I read her posts.

And possibly my favourite for amazing ideas: Style Me Pretty (http://www.stylemepretty.com/) which I've not even really had a chance to look through yet but every page I have looked at is brimming with ideas and pretty things that I would love to be able to replicate on our special day.

This blog is not a wedding blog but there will, obviously, be wedding related stuff in it. It's part of my life and although there's plenty of time, I do enjoy thinking about it and finding nice stuff that we might be able to use. We do not have a lot of money to throw at our wedding but I think my experience in event organisation and creativity of family and friends means its going to be one hell of a party!!!

So long I hardly know it

Once more I have forgotten my blog. Either that or the words just wouldn't come.
Things have changed. I've changed. Here's some things I have learned.

* You can't win every battle, choose wisely and let the others pass
* The future is always exciting, no matter how bleak things can look now
* 19 diamonds are better than 1
* I am growing up whether I like it or not
* Scary can be good
* It's okay to sometimes be angry with God. He can take it.
* Cats are great company
* Cats are their own beings and some times just don't want a cuddle
* Watching more than 10 minutes of Jeremy Kyle makes me want to throw something at the telly
* People only go on Loose Women to promote something. It's usually not worth promoting.
* I know what a labral is
* Wedding planning is good fun although sometimes slightly surreal. Hatlet, anyone?

I shall, as always, endevour to post more often.

Same old brand new me!

I've just rediscovered my blog after a long long long time. It's now 2010 and I decided this year not to relaunch myself. Not to have resolutions that would depress me next year when I hadn't achieved them. Instead I'm going to keep on keeping on. I don't care where I am this time next year, so long as something has changed.



That is not to say I don't have goals. There are things I want to achieve this year and things that I want to progress but that's where things stop.



I'm fairly happy with where I am now. S and I have moved in together, work is okay if slightly monotonous and things are trundling along nicely.



The best thing about the future being unknown is that anything can happen.



Here's to tomorrow...and whatever it might hold.

Words and feelings in my head

Things are a lot better now, I've calmed down and S and I are going away tomorrow for a few days by ourselves. No more kids or families or mother in laws. Just the two of us.

These past few days I've felt slightly agitated and restless. I've been wanting to write things down but wasn't too sure what. I've wanted to just get things out, written down. It's not particularly about how I've been feeling or any particularly poetic observations. I just wanted to write.

Part of me has been thinking about work. Part of me has wanted to plan for the future. Sitting in S's brother's house, looking at everything he and his family has has made me think a lot about the future. What my future will be like, what I want it to be like and how we are going to get there.

I make no excuses for liking the finer things in life. I know the kind of house I want to live in and car I want to drive. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be happy with less because I know that these are material things and at the end of the day, so long as Stephen and I are together with a roof over our heads and food on the table then I'll have everything I need. But why aim for second best?

I am a very positive and determind person but one of my problems is that I do not always have the plan to back up my ideas. I have a firm belief that something will happen and whilst I believe in fate and God and that we have support to fulfil our wildest dreams if we want them enough, maybe I should be doing something to make it all happen!

I guess I struggle with my beliefs. On the one hand I believe in God and believe in fate and believe that everyone has a purpose in life. On the other hand I believe that we make our own destiny and that we have to work hard and dream harder to get the things we want in life.

Thomas Jefferson is atritbuted to the quote "The harder I work, the luckier I become" and it is a mantra many millionaires stand by. Another is that "you can achieve anything if you want it badly enough." But is just wanting it enough?

I won't wait for opportunity to knock. I am bad at sitting around doing nothing. I noticed it when I was ill a couple of weeks ago. I noticed it in the first few days of my holiday. I cannot just wait for things to come to me, for life to pass me by. I want to get out there, grab life by the throat and say 'Come on then! What have you got?'

Oz Experience

I am currently in Perth, Western Australia. I am visiting my boyfriend's brother who lives out here with his wife and two children. Obviously, I am with my boyfriend but his other brother and mother are also here. All together there are eight people in this house and I am the only one who is not a Higgins!

We arrived at 1am on Monday morning and it is now Thursday afternoon, we are here for 3 weeks so there is still a long time to go. I am having a wonderful time. It's nice to be on holiday. I have not had a break since I went to Rhodes with my sister in 2006. It is nice to escape the UK which hasn't seen sun in such a long time. It is nice to get away from my life there for a little while and forget about work and everything that has happened in the last year. I feel relaxed.

There are times that I have been not so relaxed. Back home I live alone and although I am a sociable person, I like my own space and peace and quiet. With eight people in a house (including 2 under the age of 10) peace and quiet does not come easily. I am worried about making a good impression on the family I have not met before. For the past 18 months I have been with Stephen, I've heard so much about them, about how much he loves and misses the kids and how important it is for me to get on with them. There is pressure to behave properly in someone else's house which is fine but does mean that I am always slightly on edge and cannot totally relax. Stephen's mother is a typical Irish mother who fusses and makes sure that everyone is okay all the time and that you do not want for anything. It is very sweet but again, can be very draining when I'd rather just be lying peacefully in silence.

I always worry what other people think of me. I don't want to be butting in on this precious family time so have to keep reminding myself that I was invited to come along. Stephen's eldest brother (who lives here) is 21 years older than me and I am desperate not to come across as a stupid kid. I don't want to annoy Stephen's other brother who seems to get worked up at everything.

I'm sure things will be okay and that it is just a case of adjusting. This is only day four and I think we are all only just about getting over jetlag. I will just relax into things and now that the kids are off school for the holidays, I think it is about time to have some fun.

Being the change

Today made me happy. Today I made other people happy.

Within five minutes this morning two people said I had made them happy. The first was someone who I sent an email to saying thank you. She'd done something to help me so I wanted to thank her. She said that she had been having a really tough time lately and that my email had just made her morning.

The second was a very good friend who has helped me through some very difficult times. One of the things we used to do was listen to very cheesy CDs as we went on many a road trip. A couple of weeks ago I made her a CD with some songs on it that I thought she would appreciate. She sent me a text this morning saying that she was lstening to a CD and it had made her smile.

I like doing things for other people. I love christmas because I can buy lots of people presents and make them smile. I take a lot of time over presents, making sure that people love each and every one of them.

I think maybe that's why I enjoy working for a charity. I stood in the lounge at work the other day, watching the centre users chatting and laughing with each other. I was slightly overwhelmed at the thought that without the charity, without the work that I do, they wouldn't have that. It really made me happy.

Putting pen to page

I'm actually writing this blog entry on paper. With a pen. No where near a computer. Obviously, as you're reading this, I've since typed it up but there is something quite nice about being about to put pen to paper and let the thoughts flow.

I like writing because it is slower. With a typing speed of around 70 words per minute, my fingers can quite often work a lot faster than my brain My thoughts get flustered and muddled and the words start to jump about on the screen.

I forget what I have already typed as the words are spurned higher up on the screen to make space for the new ones. Constantly moving vowels and consonants forming words and sentences almost of their own accord; taking on a life of their own, separate from the author who created them.

I like writing. I like the flow of the words as letters merge into each other, something which doesn't happen in type. I like the curls of my handwriting, the 'l' and the 'g' and the 'w'. The flair which makes these words mine. The little marks and inflections which I can recognise as mine. They are my voice on the paper, my accent translated through the pen

The typed word can seem so cold and stark. So impersonal. Like a robotic voice - no colours, no emotions. Each letter identical every time, standing alone. No mistakes, no scribbles, no personality. Anonymous words on a flickering screen.

But without typing and computers, these words would just remain here on the page. Folded in my handbag for no one to see'; quietly forgotten with no eyes to see them, no voice to speak them. At least on the screen they are out there, in the big wide world, for people to absorb - should they want to.

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

A few weeks ago I started a new job.

I am the new fundraising and publicity manager at Worcestershire Association for the Blind.

I love it.

It is a small county wide charity that provides support, information and empowerment to visually impaired and blind people across the county of Worcestershire. The office is also a drop in centre for people with visual impairments so every day I see the good that the charity is doing and the people that it is helping directly.

The other day I watched a group of about 15 blind people do country dancing in the hall, I've heard stories about them skydiving, running marathons and playing golf. The only thing different between me and these people is that my eyes work perfectly well.

In charity terms, visual impairments is not 'sexy'. Cancer is 'sexy', animals are 'sexy', third world needs are 'sexy'. But if you woke up tomorrow and could not see, how would you now what the weather was like to decide what to wear? How would you choose clothes that matched? How would you get toothpaste on the toothbrush? How would you know your toast was cooked, or that your teacup was full of boiling water?

It wasn't until I started work and started talking to people that I really ever thought about this and now it is something that I feel really passionate about. I want to change this charity, I want to use my skills to move the charity forward so that it can be the best it can be.

I have found a revitalised passion for my work now that I am in a new role. I have remembered that I am actually quite good at what I do. I look forward to going to work every day and find it hard to stop thinking about it when I get home at night.

I feel alive again.

New year, new start, blah blah blah!

Sitting two weeks into 2009, I'm overcome with a strange mix of emotions.

The end of 2008 was so awful that 2009 was always going to come as a refreshing change and its amazing how a few seconds on the clock can make such a big difference.

December 2008 is a month that I won't forget in a hurry. In 31 days (Well, technically 32) my life changed. On 30th November one of my cats (well, technically my parents' cats) was run over and killed. She wasn't a very sociable cat but she was part of the family and she will be missed.

I was upset by this. I love cats and as I say, she was part of the family. I found out fairly late on the Sunday evening when I was due to get up and go to a breakfast networking meeting. I was in shock when I first found out and the idea of networking with complete strangers was possibly the hardest thing I could have imagined doing. I contacted my employer to be met with a completely unreasonable response. This sent me into another panic attack and wondering how on earth I was supposed to continue at work when the simple idea of going into the office made me feel physically sick.

I need not have worried as one week later it was announced that they were making redundancies at work. In fact they were looking to virtually halve the work force. After a lot of talking with my family and Stephen, I decided to offer voluntary redundancy. I had been looking for a new job anyway and one more than one occasion I had thought about handing in my notice with no new job to go to. This way I got a redundancy package to tide me over until I found something new.

So as of 15th December, I was looking for a new job. I was asked to work my one months notice in order to hand over to other members of staff. The two weeks before Christmas are impossible to find work and whilst the original anouncement said that they wanted it to be a quick process, those who were made compulsory redundant did not find out until January 2nd.

Still, this was my escape route. No more feeling sick or angry every second I was at work. No more having to deal with people who had no respect for me and playing around with ridiculous office politics. All I had to do was keep my head down for a few weeks (which included virtually 2 weeks off for Christmas and New Year) and I was home free.

On December 22nd, my Grandmother died.

She was 89 and had been ill with Alzheimer's for several years. She was a shell of the amazing woman she had once been. I had a lot of respect for my grandmother. She had lived quite a life, in the army, in the Normandy landings, shipwrecked and as a mother and grandmother to my mother and uncle, me and my sister. We were never close. She just wasn't that sort of person and whilst the end of any life is sad, when my dad rang me to tell me, I was relieved more than anything. Relieved that she was at peace. Relieved that she was no longer a worry to my mother and uncle. Relieved that it was the end.

Before anyone really had time to think about what was happening, it was Christmas. A whirlwind of emotions followed. A mixture of what we were all feeling and guilt about what we weren't feeling. Christmas day was quiet and fairly empty. There was no champagne, no log fire. The credit crunch meant none of us could splash out on presents and Hannah was spending Christmas in Croydon with the Gordon's so it felt like something was missing. It was an okay day but given that I absolutely adore Christmas and start getting excited about it in October, it all feel somewhat flat this year.

Grandma's funeral was on New Year's eve morning. It was a freezing cold day but family and friends came to pay their respects. It was nice to see family again and introduce Stephen to them although it would have been better in other circumstances.

We came back from the funeral, spent a couple of hours catching up on sleep and then out to dinner in the evening, just Stephen and I. It was a nice quiet evening and were home by 11:30 to watch the last bit of BBC1's New Year count down and watch the fireworks as the clock chimed midnight.

I did not cry at midnight like I do most years. I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. As the minutes ticked on into 2009, I climbed into bed glad that December was over and that it really was a new start.

As Robin Sharma, my favourite inspirational writer, says "The best thing about the future being unknown is that anything is possible".

Two weeks into 2009, I know that this is true. I've left my job and although I don't have another yet, I don't have the feelings of panic and sickness that I used to every morning. I've been to the gym and eaten a lot healthier and have managed to lose 7lbs in two weeks.

I can see the future, I don't know what it holds, but it's certainly bright.

Growing Up

I've been thinking a lot recently about growing up and revisiting my past.

Last week, through work, I ended up visiting two of my old education establishments. I started thinking about how the buildings have changed since I was there and how I have changed since I was there.

It has been ten years since I left Kings and eight since I left Sixth Form College. The buildings are very different with new libraries and learning centres, full of computers and interactive whiteboards. There's state of the art technology, new ways of teaching and new ways of learning. But what about the pupils? Are they still the same as I was? Are they going through the same things that we all went through in our school days, whatever that might mean to an individual.

Then last night I went to watch King's take on the Royal Grammar School in what was always one of the biggest events in the school year. When I was at school, it was held on a Saturday afternoon at the games pitches of one of the schools and there were a couple of hundred people who turned up to support, standing behind a bit of rope at the side of the pitch. Lots of OVs (Old Vigornians - ex King's pupils) came back to worcester from wherever they were living to support the boys. People cheered and shouted and hurled abuse at the other team and their supporter. I remember very clearly that it was 1995 when I was just thirteen that I went to my first Grammar match and in fact, my first rugby match. I remember standing next to my sister and my dad, watching the match and singing songs far too rude for a thirteen year old to really be singing.

This year the match was held on a Wednesday night at Sixways, home of the Worcester Warriors, in front of a crowd of around 3,800. The supporters were seperated on each side of the pitch, no alcohol was allowed out of the bar and everyone was under strict instructions not to boo the other team and be all sporting and generally polite. It was odd.

what was even odder was looking at this pitch of eighteen year old boys. The first team. When I was at school, the upper sixth (and particularly the first IV) were the heroes of the school. They were the one that we lusted after, the ones we fancied, the ones whose names we wrote in little hearts all over our note books. They were big and strong and so mature. But looking at these fifteen skinny, spotty teenagers, I wondered if the girls in the stands felt the same about them that I did when I was that age. Guessing by the screams not disimilar to a Take That concert and the 'Go Kings' banners that had been lovingly made for the occasions, I think that they do.

It got me thinking about my school days. It wasn't a happy time in my life and I wondered that if I went back, would things be any different? If I went back to school knowing everything I know now, would it be a happier time? Would I be more popular, would I fit in? When I went to visit last week, as I was leaving, I saw a girl standing out the Winslow Block (science) crying. She had a friend with her who gave her a hug but she looked so lonely. It made me sad to see her. I could see myself in her and I wanted to get out my car and give her a hug, to tell her that whatever is making her feel so bad now, won't always be that way.

I think that if I could go back and talk to my twelve year old self, I'd tell her not to worry. I wouldn't change anything. What I went through at school made me who I am today. It shaped me and gave me the confidence to go out and do different things, make new friends and made me into me. I don't think I'd want to change that.

Ramblings of a Sunday morning

I'm currently lying in my boyfriend's bed on a Sunday morning. He has gone to Mass but I was too cold and feeling a little emotionally fragile so decided to stay behind. It's given me some time to think. Think about life, about what has been happening since I last blogged, about where my life is and was and will be.



Things have been hard to say the least these past few weeks. One thing after another got on top of me and I ended up having a panic attack. This scared me as I haven't had one in literally years. Stephen was with me and was fantastic. It understandably freaked him out but he just held me and stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.



After that I went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. I guess the day would always come when I started taking them. I've been fighting them for so long thinking I could get through things on my own but I've admitted that I can't. I don't think I'll be on them forever and the doctor agrees. I just need something, right now, to help me get back to being the 'old me'.



I have been staring at this screen for a few minutes now, deciding whether or not to delete that last paragraph. I know that not too many people read my blog, its more my own personal way of getting everything out but what if someone did read it? Someone I wouldn't normally open up to. Would they think less of me because I suffer from depression? Would this title of 'mental illness' change the way they react to me? I actually resisted going on antidepressants for a similar reason. Not because I have any hang ups about mental illness or depression, it's something I have grown very used to over the years. My main worry was that my parents would blame themselves. That this was genetic and it was their fault I'm now suffering. I don't blame them and they have been absolutely fantastic in supporting me and helping me through this.



I was also worried about what if other people found out but actually it has come up on conversation with a few people and it's amazing how many other people have been through something similar to me. I know I have a lot of friends around me who are there to support me if I need it.



I won't talk about work because that's another two page rant that I can keep for another time.

And then there is Stephen. I honestly do not know what I would have done without him these past few weeks. I don't think I would have coped. I don't think I could have even made it out of bed some days. He's been my port in this storm. I don't think he understands what I'm going through, he's not had any previous experience with it the way my family have, but he doesn't need to. He's there and he instinctively knows what to do and what to say. He holds me so tight I don't feel like anyone else can get to me or hurt me. He is silly and makes me laugh when I need it but also knows when not to say anything, when to just let me cry.



I don't know why he puts up with it. I've given him a get out clause several times and told him I don't expect him to stay with me. Who wants a mentally ill girlfriend? But he just tells me to shut up, puts his arm around me and bites my nose to make me giggle.

So, as I lay in bed (wireless Internet is honestly a fantastic invention!), waiting for my wonderful man to come back from mass, I'm thinking about the future. The present might be a bit tough for the moment but I have a feeling things will turn out okay in the long run. I just need to get through 'now'

"The Daily Forgetting"

I blogged a few weeks ago about a guy called Robin Sharma and his book 'The Greatness Guide'. He's really quite an inspirational guy and just 'makes sense'. I've subscribed to his blog and get regular updates into my inbox which, more often than not, just wake me up a little and remember that no matter how bad my day is getting, that things can be clearer.

Given what I wrote in my last blog update it was interesting that today, Robin's blog said this:

"The idea I'm encouraging you to celebrate is this one: each day, as we walk out into the world, the world begins to do it's job on us. Negative people shout their negative beliefs at us. People in fear try to invite us into shared misery. Troubling news stories and horrible images are placed front and center on newspapers to get our attention. Angry commuters and stress-filled workers find their way into our orbit. And so we forget.

We forget The Fundamentals. Fundamentals like every one of us is meant to be great - in our own unique way. Fundamentals like that stranger walking down the street is just like you: he was someone's child. He hopes for some happiness. He once had dreams. He needs to be loved. Fundamentals like no matter who you are and what you do, if you choose, you can make a positive difference at work and in life today. Fundamentals like life is good. And we can find joy in the simplest of things over these coming hours. If we have the good sense to focus on them.

I guess what I'm sharing is that each day is sort of a struggle for me. I wake up, set my course, fill my well with inspiration, wisdom and good ideas. I reconnect with who I truly am and all I want to do/be. And then I walk into another reality of sorts. One that entices me to forget. One that pulls me to get off course. One that suggests that other things are far more important.

Just maybe, this is life. A daily challenge between doing what's right and doing what's easy. All I know is that the more I stand for what matters, the less I forget. The more I remember. The easier it gets."


Thank you for reminding me, Robin.

Dark times

The world seems like a sad place at the moment.

The sun hasn't shined for most of the summer. Young people are killing each other on the streets. The economy is in crisis and no one has any money. The housing market is bad. There might be a new cold war. There seems to be no hope, no good news, no light.

Even in the street everyone seems to be struggling. Walking awkwardly, struggling to stand straight, weighed down by difficult bags; difficult times. No one is smiling.

Maybe because I'm struggling at the moment with work and with life that I can't see the good things. I've had some great times recently, a lovely weekend with my sister and I know I'm loved by lots of people. But the sadness creeps in and with nothing good screaming out to me from the media or the outside world, sometimes I wonder when it'll all end.

What a difference a year makes!

In May last year I blogged about my Mid-Twenties criss. I was coming up to 25 and terrified about it. I felt like I hadn't acheived anything worthwhile in my first 25 years on this earth and that I was still waiting for my life to begin.

It's now two days before my 26th birthday and things couldn't really be more different.

My main issues last year were:

* I still lived with my parents

* I wasn't going anywhere in my job

* I was single

I now live on my own in a wonderful flat. It's rented because buying somewhere just wouldn't be right for me at the moment.

I have been promoted twice at work and following the resignation of my manager, I'm now leading the department. Things aren't exactly rosey and I've probably now been at this place for too long so I'm looking to move on but things are certainly different to where they were last year.

And I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world! I could never have expected to find someone so fantastic but I have and the past 10 months together have been so happy.

So turning 26 suddenly doesn't seem so bad. Officially I'm no longer a 'youth'. I'm not in Radio 1's target audience. I'll have to tick the next age catagory on forms but hey, I'm settled where I am and excited to find out what the next 12 months will bring!

Without failiure there can be no success

I'm feeling much better at work at the moment. My break for Glastonbury helped refresh me and I've been getting support from a colleague which has really helped me. However, recently something has come to light that is challenging to say the least.

I made a mistake at work and have got into trouble for it. The mistake was not entirely my fault and people are aware of that but I think that the powers that be needed to react and I was in the firing line. I'm putting my point across to them and defending myself. I'm not shirking responsibility for my actions, I made the mistake and I'm not trying to pass the blame or make excuses.

But I don't want to go into that side of things. What I wanted to say was that the whole episode, in someways, is actually quite a positive one.

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'The Greatness Guide' by Robin Sharma. It's 101 hints and tips to becoming a truly great person, both in your personal and business life. He talks a lot about failure and success and risks and mistakes.

Whilst obviously no one wants to fail, let people down or get into trouble, it has to happen. It is part of life. Failure is part of success. You can't have one without the other, just as you can't have life without death or light without dark or happiness without sadness. If failure didn't exist then success would not mean anything. You have to have the contrast.

I want to be a great person. I want to achieve my goals both in personal and work lives. I want to be a success. And I believe that I can be. Yes, I made a mistake but I'm now working incredibly hard to put things right.

And as Robin Sharma says, 'a mistake is only a mistake if you make it twice'.

Glastonbury

Last week I went to Glastonbury festival for the first time and I absolutely loved it.

I went with Stephen and some of his friends, who've been every year for the past six so I was with an expert. We camped next to the Other Stage so saw a lot of bands on there, we wandered through the Green Fields, lay in the Jazz World drinking strawberry cider, we played in Greenpeace fields, we soaked up the atmosphere, we got muddy, we got tanned (well, I got tanned, everyone else seemed to get burned!), we were happy.

It was such a great atmosphere and it was wonderful to experience these things with Stephen. My eyes were wide open the whole time, seeing new things and loving everything about it. We saw lots of good bands, I saw the four I definately wanted to see and some more. We introduced each other to new music, new worlds.

And after a few days it was time to come home, ready to face the world again. But it made it a bit easier, knowing that next year, we can escape to that field in Somerset again.

"The important things in life aren't things"

Things have been quite tough recently. I've not been enjoying work, I've got myself all worked up and stressed about things, my weight loss has really slowed down and everything has got on top of me.

The one thing that has kept me going is Stephen. He's made me realise that there's more important things in life than work or money or petty arguments with people. He's made me realise that the fact that we love each other and make each other smile and laugh is, in fact, more important than any of that.

Last night, after work, I drove to see him. I walked through the door and burst into tears. He just held me and rubbed my back. He wrapped his big strong arms around me and didn't say anything. He didn't try to talk or tell me everything would be alright. He didn't need to. Just holding me and letting me cry meant that I knew that everything would be alright.

Within 10 minutes he'd made me laugh. I'd found the funny side of life and my problems and troubles had melted away. For a few hours at least.

Next week we're going to Glastonbury festival. I can spend seven days away from work, away from life, living in a field, enjoying new experiences and laughing with friends and more importantly, being with one of the most amazing men I've ever met xxxxxx

If you do one thing today...

Read 'Baldy's Blog'

http://baldyblog.freshblogs.co.uk/2008/05/back_our_campaign.html

Adrian Sudbury has been a reporter for both the Huddersfield Express and Chronicle Series and the Huddersfield Examiner. In November 2006 the 25-year-old was promoted to digital journalist, effectively editing the new-look Examiner website. Just two days into his new role he became seriously ill and called in sick. A week later he drove himself to A&E and was eventually diagnosed with leukaemia.

A couple of weeks ago he found out that his bone marrow transplant had failed and the leukaemia had returned. He has decided to abandon his treatment and spend the last few weeks of his life campaigning to get more people on the bone marrow register. In the last few weeks he has met Gordon Brown and been in national newspapers and TV.

This campaign means so much to him, it would be great if you could sign the petition and forward this to as many people as possible. This is what Adrian wrote in his email: "All I am trying to achieve is the following: A 40 minute talk to all second year sixth form students about why it is important to think about donating blood, bone marrow and organs. I hope this talk will become part of the curriculum and as part of that leukaemia will have to be covered. You could do so much in that time to explain why blood and bone marrow donation are so important in the treatment of this disease."

Reading this blog could save someone's life.

A rolling stone...

After five weeks of eating a bit more carefully and being a bit more active I am pleased to annouce that I have now lost 14 1/2 pounds at chub club. That's just over a stone. It's also 29 packs of butter - if you wanted to think of it that way.

To celebrate I bought myself this beautiful Matthew Williamson bag. It's important to reward yourself for achieving your goals.

I'm happy. Very happy. It's not actually been that difficult. I've had fish and chips a couple of times and the odd bit of chocolate. I've not felt hungry and I've certainly not felt deprived.

And more importantly, I feel like it's the start of something. I actually feel like I can do this. I feel like I can lose more weight and reach my goal. It'll take a while but I know I have the support of my wonderful boyfriend (who seems more proud and excited and I am at my weight loss!) and that he'll drag me to the gym when I get the CBAS (can't be arsed syndrome). We're going on holiday in September and I am determind, for the first time in my adult life, to wear a bikini.

So here's to a new start...

Here I Am

YES to putting in the miles while the rest of the world is asleep,
To doing what I want, when I want to do it
To pushing through the pain because giving up hurts more
YES to not being afraid to fail
To doing it for the love, not the money
To doing it for myself, my girls, my team.
YES to speeding up as I pass you at the bus stop
YES to self belief, knowing that I’m good but I can always be better
Yes to claiming my place, to challenging the rules, to playing my own game.
NO there isn’t anything I cannot do
YES to making myself heard
YES to stepping up and saying HERE I AM