Growing Up

I've been thinking a lot recently about growing up and revisiting my past.

Last week, through work, I ended up visiting two of my old education establishments. I started thinking about how the buildings have changed since I was there and how I have changed since I was there.

It has been ten years since I left Kings and eight since I left Sixth Form College. The buildings are very different with new libraries and learning centres, full of computers and interactive whiteboards. There's state of the art technology, new ways of teaching and new ways of learning. But what about the pupils? Are they still the same as I was? Are they going through the same things that we all went through in our school days, whatever that might mean to an individual.

Then last night I went to watch King's take on the Royal Grammar School in what was always one of the biggest events in the school year. When I was at school, it was held on a Saturday afternoon at the games pitches of one of the schools and there were a couple of hundred people who turned up to support, standing behind a bit of rope at the side of the pitch. Lots of OVs (Old Vigornians - ex King's pupils) came back to worcester from wherever they were living to support the boys. People cheered and shouted and hurled abuse at the other team and their supporter. I remember very clearly that it was 1995 when I was just thirteen that I went to my first Grammar match and in fact, my first rugby match. I remember standing next to my sister and my dad, watching the match and singing songs far too rude for a thirteen year old to really be singing.

This year the match was held on a Wednesday night at Sixways, home of the Worcester Warriors, in front of a crowd of around 3,800. The supporters were seperated on each side of the pitch, no alcohol was allowed out of the bar and everyone was under strict instructions not to boo the other team and be all sporting and generally polite. It was odd.

what was even odder was looking at this pitch of eighteen year old boys. The first team. When I was at school, the upper sixth (and particularly the first IV) were the heroes of the school. They were the one that we lusted after, the ones we fancied, the ones whose names we wrote in little hearts all over our note books. They were big and strong and so mature. But looking at these fifteen skinny, spotty teenagers, I wondered if the girls in the stands felt the same about them that I did when I was that age. Guessing by the screams not disimilar to a Take That concert and the 'Go Kings' banners that had been lovingly made for the occasions, I think that they do.

It got me thinking about my school days. It wasn't a happy time in my life and I wondered that if I went back, would things be any different? If I went back to school knowing everything I know now, would it be a happier time? Would I be more popular, would I fit in? When I went to visit last week, as I was leaving, I saw a girl standing out the Winslow Block (science) crying. She had a friend with her who gave her a hug but she looked so lonely. It made me sad to see her. I could see myself in her and I wanted to get out my car and give her a hug, to tell her that whatever is making her feel so bad now, won't always be that way.

I think that if I could go back and talk to my twelve year old self, I'd tell her not to worry. I wouldn't change anything. What I went through at school made me who I am today. It shaped me and gave me the confidence to go out and do different things, make new friends and made me into me. I don't think I'd want to change that.

Ramblings of a Sunday morning

I'm currently lying in my boyfriend's bed on a Sunday morning. He has gone to Mass but I was too cold and feeling a little emotionally fragile so decided to stay behind. It's given me some time to think. Think about life, about what has been happening since I last blogged, about where my life is and was and will be.



Things have been hard to say the least these past few weeks. One thing after another got on top of me and I ended up having a panic attack. This scared me as I haven't had one in literally years. Stephen was with me and was fantastic. It understandably freaked him out but he just held me and stroked my hair and told me everything would be okay.



After that I went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. I guess the day would always come when I started taking them. I've been fighting them for so long thinking I could get through things on my own but I've admitted that I can't. I don't think I'll be on them forever and the doctor agrees. I just need something, right now, to help me get back to being the 'old me'.



I have been staring at this screen for a few minutes now, deciding whether or not to delete that last paragraph. I know that not too many people read my blog, its more my own personal way of getting everything out but what if someone did read it? Someone I wouldn't normally open up to. Would they think less of me because I suffer from depression? Would this title of 'mental illness' change the way they react to me? I actually resisted going on antidepressants for a similar reason. Not because I have any hang ups about mental illness or depression, it's something I have grown very used to over the years. My main worry was that my parents would blame themselves. That this was genetic and it was their fault I'm now suffering. I don't blame them and they have been absolutely fantastic in supporting me and helping me through this.



I was also worried about what if other people found out but actually it has come up on conversation with a few people and it's amazing how many other people have been through something similar to me. I know I have a lot of friends around me who are there to support me if I need it.



I won't talk about work because that's another two page rant that I can keep for another time.

And then there is Stephen. I honestly do not know what I would have done without him these past few weeks. I don't think I would have coped. I don't think I could have even made it out of bed some days. He's been my port in this storm. I don't think he understands what I'm going through, he's not had any previous experience with it the way my family have, but he doesn't need to. He's there and he instinctively knows what to do and what to say. He holds me so tight I don't feel like anyone else can get to me or hurt me. He is silly and makes me laugh when I need it but also knows when not to say anything, when to just let me cry.



I don't know why he puts up with it. I've given him a get out clause several times and told him I don't expect him to stay with me. Who wants a mentally ill girlfriend? But he just tells me to shut up, puts his arm around me and bites my nose to make me giggle.

So, as I lay in bed (wireless Internet is honestly a fantastic invention!), waiting for my wonderful man to come back from mass, I'm thinking about the future. The present might be a bit tough for the moment but I have a feeling things will turn out okay in the long run. I just need to get through 'now'

"The Daily Forgetting"

I blogged a few weeks ago about a guy called Robin Sharma and his book 'The Greatness Guide'. He's really quite an inspirational guy and just 'makes sense'. I've subscribed to his blog and get regular updates into my inbox which, more often than not, just wake me up a little and remember that no matter how bad my day is getting, that things can be clearer.

Given what I wrote in my last blog update it was interesting that today, Robin's blog said this:

"The idea I'm encouraging you to celebrate is this one: each day, as we walk out into the world, the world begins to do it's job on us. Negative people shout their negative beliefs at us. People in fear try to invite us into shared misery. Troubling news stories and horrible images are placed front and center on newspapers to get our attention. Angry commuters and stress-filled workers find their way into our orbit. And so we forget.

We forget The Fundamentals. Fundamentals like every one of us is meant to be great - in our own unique way. Fundamentals like that stranger walking down the street is just like you: he was someone's child. He hopes for some happiness. He once had dreams. He needs to be loved. Fundamentals like no matter who you are and what you do, if you choose, you can make a positive difference at work and in life today. Fundamentals like life is good. And we can find joy in the simplest of things over these coming hours. If we have the good sense to focus on them.

I guess what I'm sharing is that each day is sort of a struggle for me. I wake up, set my course, fill my well with inspiration, wisdom and good ideas. I reconnect with who I truly am and all I want to do/be. And then I walk into another reality of sorts. One that entices me to forget. One that pulls me to get off course. One that suggests that other things are far more important.

Just maybe, this is life. A daily challenge between doing what's right and doing what's easy. All I know is that the more I stand for what matters, the less I forget. The more I remember. The easier it gets."


Thank you for reminding me, Robin.

Dark times

The world seems like a sad place at the moment.

The sun hasn't shined for most of the summer. Young people are killing each other on the streets. The economy is in crisis and no one has any money. The housing market is bad. There might be a new cold war. There seems to be no hope, no good news, no light.

Even in the street everyone seems to be struggling. Walking awkwardly, struggling to stand straight, weighed down by difficult bags; difficult times. No one is smiling.

Maybe because I'm struggling at the moment with work and with life that I can't see the good things. I've had some great times recently, a lovely weekend with my sister and I know I'm loved by lots of people. But the sadness creeps in and with nothing good screaming out to me from the media or the outside world, sometimes I wonder when it'll all end.

What a difference a year makes!

In May last year I blogged about my Mid-Twenties criss. I was coming up to 25 and terrified about it. I felt like I hadn't acheived anything worthwhile in my first 25 years on this earth and that I was still waiting for my life to begin.

It's now two days before my 26th birthday and things couldn't really be more different.

My main issues last year were:

* I still lived with my parents

* I wasn't going anywhere in my job

* I was single

I now live on my own in a wonderful flat. It's rented because buying somewhere just wouldn't be right for me at the moment.

I have been promoted twice at work and following the resignation of my manager, I'm now leading the department. Things aren't exactly rosey and I've probably now been at this place for too long so I'm looking to move on but things are certainly different to where they were last year.

And I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world! I could never have expected to find someone so fantastic but I have and the past 10 months together have been so happy.

So turning 26 suddenly doesn't seem so bad. Officially I'm no longer a 'youth'. I'm not in Radio 1's target audience. I'll have to tick the next age catagory on forms but hey, I'm settled where I am and excited to find out what the next 12 months will bring!

Without failiure there can be no success

I'm feeling much better at work at the moment. My break for Glastonbury helped refresh me and I've been getting support from a colleague which has really helped me. However, recently something has come to light that is challenging to say the least.

I made a mistake at work and have got into trouble for it. The mistake was not entirely my fault and people are aware of that but I think that the powers that be needed to react and I was in the firing line. I'm putting my point across to them and defending myself. I'm not shirking responsibility for my actions, I made the mistake and I'm not trying to pass the blame or make excuses.

But I don't want to go into that side of things. What I wanted to say was that the whole episode, in someways, is actually quite a positive one.

I'm reading a book at the moment called 'The Greatness Guide' by Robin Sharma. It's 101 hints and tips to becoming a truly great person, both in your personal and business life. He talks a lot about failure and success and risks and mistakes.

Whilst obviously no one wants to fail, let people down or get into trouble, it has to happen. It is part of life. Failure is part of success. You can't have one without the other, just as you can't have life without death or light without dark or happiness without sadness. If failure didn't exist then success would not mean anything. You have to have the contrast.

I want to be a great person. I want to achieve my goals both in personal and work lives. I want to be a success. And I believe that I can be. Yes, I made a mistake but I'm now working incredibly hard to put things right.

And as Robin Sharma says, 'a mistake is only a mistake if you make it twice'.

Glastonbury

Last week I went to Glastonbury festival for the first time and I absolutely loved it.

I went with Stephen and some of his friends, who've been every year for the past six so I was with an expert. We camped next to the Other Stage so saw a lot of bands on there, we wandered through the Green Fields, lay in the Jazz World drinking strawberry cider, we played in Greenpeace fields, we soaked up the atmosphere, we got muddy, we got tanned (well, I got tanned, everyone else seemed to get burned!), we were happy.

It was such a great atmosphere and it was wonderful to experience these things with Stephen. My eyes were wide open the whole time, seeing new things and loving everything about it. We saw lots of good bands, I saw the four I definately wanted to see and some more. We introduced each other to new music, new worlds.

And after a few days it was time to come home, ready to face the world again. But it made it a bit easier, knowing that next year, we can escape to that field in Somerset again.

"The important things in life aren't things"

Things have been quite tough recently. I've not been enjoying work, I've got myself all worked up and stressed about things, my weight loss has really slowed down and everything has got on top of me.

The one thing that has kept me going is Stephen. He's made me realise that there's more important things in life than work or money or petty arguments with people. He's made me realise that the fact that we love each other and make each other smile and laugh is, in fact, more important than any of that.

Last night, after work, I drove to see him. I walked through the door and burst into tears. He just held me and rubbed my back. He wrapped his big strong arms around me and didn't say anything. He didn't try to talk or tell me everything would be alright. He didn't need to. Just holding me and letting me cry meant that I knew that everything would be alright.

Within 10 minutes he'd made me laugh. I'd found the funny side of life and my problems and troubles had melted away. For a few hours at least.

Next week we're going to Glastonbury festival. I can spend seven days away from work, away from life, living in a field, enjoying new experiences and laughing with friends and more importantly, being with one of the most amazing men I've ever met xxxxxx

If you do one thing today...

Read 'Baldy's Blog'

http://baldyblog.freshblogs.co.uk/2008/05/back_our_campaign.html

Adrian Sudbury has been a reporter for both the Huddersfield Express and Chronicle Series and the Huddersfield Examiner. In November 2006 the 25-year-old was promoted to digital journalist, effectively editing the new-look Examiner website. Just two days into his new role he became seriously ill and called in sick. A week later he drove himself to A&E and was eventually diagnosed with leukaemia.

A couple of weeks ago he found out that his bone marrow transplant had failed and the leukaemia had returned. He has decided to abandon his treatment and spend the last few weeks of his life campaigning to get more people on the bone marrow register. In the last few weeks he has met Gordon Brown and been in national newspapers and TV.

This campaign means so much to him, it would be great if you could sign the petition and forward this to as many people as possible. This is what Adrian wrote in his email: "All I am trying to achieve is the following: A 40 minute talk to all second year sixth form students about why it is important to think about donating blood, bone marrow and organs. I hope this talk will become part of the curriculum and as part of that leukaemia will have to be covered. You could do so much in that time to explain why blood and bone marrow donation are so important in the treatment of this disease."

Reading this blog could save someone's life.

A rolling stone...

After five weeks of eating a bit more carefully and being a bit more active I am pleased to annouce that I have now lost 14 1/2 pounds at chub club. That's just over a stone. It's also 29 packs of butter - if you wanted to think of it that way.

To celebrate I bought myself this beautiful Matthew Williamson bag. It's important to reward yourself for achieving your goals.

I'm happy. Very happy. It's not actually been that difficult. I've had fish and chips a couple of times and the odd bit of chocolate. I've not felt hungry and I've certainly not felt deprived.

And more importantly, I feel like it's the start of something. I actually feel like I can do this. I feel like I can lose more weight and reach my goal. It'll take a while but I know I have the support of my wonderful boyfriend (who seems more proud and excited and I am at my weight loss!) and that he'll drag me to the gym when I get the CBAS (can't be arsed syndrome). We're going on holiday in September and I am determind, for the first time in my adult life, to wear a bikini.

So here's to a new start...

Here I Am

YES to putting in the miles while the rest of the world is asleep,
To doing what I want, when I want to do it
To pushing through the pain because giving up hurts more
YES to not being afraid to fail
To doing it for the love, not the money
To doing it for myself, my girls, my team.
YES to speeding up as I pass you at the bus stop
YES to self belief, knowing that I’m good but I can always be better
Yes to claiming my place, to challenging the rules, to playing my own game.
NO there isn’t anything I cannot do
YES to making myself heard
YES to stepping up and saying HERE I AM

Quick update...

I lost another 2lbs at Chub Club last night. I'm very pleased with this as I was expecting to either stay the same or put a bit on.

I had been fairly good last week up until the weekend. I was in London all weekend for the marathon which involved eating out or eating what I could when I could. I did do a fair bit of walking and running about on the Sunday which I think helped.

I'm going to be extra careful this week and step up my activity (I'm doing a 15 mile walk myself this weekend) in order to make sure that last weekend doesn't catch up with me at next week's weigh in.

But overall, I'm fairly chuffed!!

Weigh to go!

I had my first weigh in at Chub Club last night. I was nervous because whilst I thought I'd had a good week, it can be hard to tell.

However, climbing onto the scales I found out I'd lost................

7lbs! That's half a stone! IN A WEEK!!

I was so amazingly excited. It hadn't been hard, I hadn't been hungry. I'd enjoyed being in control of my eating and making good decisions.

I know that obviously the weight loss won't continue at this rate. I've got quite a difficult weekend coming up where it will be more difficult to eat sensibly and count points but it won't be impossible and I'll see what I can do.

I shall keep you posted on my progress but lets just say, I'm off to a good start and feeling fantastic!

Chub Club

On Monday I took the plunge and went back to Chub Club (Weight Watchers). I have failed to lose weight on my own, despite joining a gym 3 months ago. I have failed to curb my eating habits and failed to be accountable for it, complaining that I was not losing weight as I stuffed my face with chocolate and crisps.

So I'm back counting my points and weighing everything and I am feeling quite positive. This is only day three but so far it has not been as difficult as I thought it would be. I certainly feel more in control than when I tried following it last time.

I shall keep my blog updated with how it goes, especially my first weigh in next Monday.

Here's to a new start...again

Gene Genie

Today is going to be a crap day. Given the public nature of the internet I can't go into details but the next few weeks are going to be difficult, especially at work.

For the past few days I've been getting worked up about today. Whenever I think about it, I start to panic and it often brings me to tears. I know those who are important to me are thinking of me and this morning my sister sent me a text.

This text was an audio clip from Ashes to Ashes. A brilliant programme with possibly one of the best television characters ever invented: Gene Hunt!

I should hate everything about Gene Hunt. He is sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted and generally arrogant. However, he is also incredibly sexy! I'm not the only person who thinks this either. Women of all ages across the land are swooning for this middle aged, divorced workoholic policeman and no one can really understand why!

But what I really like about Gene Hunt, apart from the fact he had some of the best and funniest lines on TV, is the fact he doesn't take crap from anyone. He is good at his job even if he is slightly unconventional about it. He doesn't take kindly to people who don't understand criticising him. He stands up for what he believes and says it like it is.

I think I can learn something from Gene Hunt. Especially today.

Right, lets fire up the quatrro

Funny man

Last night I went to see Dara O'Briain at the Hippodrome in Birmingham. I went with George and Damo as Stephen had booked his tickets before we'd met!

It was great fun. He's a very funny man and it was nice just to be entertained for an evening. My stomach muscles ache from laughing so much and every now and then a smile creeps across my face as I remember a particular joke from the show.

He's a very funny man and I'd love to see him live again sometime.

I won't bother trying to repeat any of the jokes from the show. "You had to be there!" ;-)

Love is in the air...

It's Valentine's Day today and for the first time for...well, too long, I am not single. I have had a lovely text of Stephen and this evening we are going out for dinner. We've both taken tomorrow off so that we can have a lie in and spend the day just being together.


Obviously when I was single I hated Valentine's Day. I was the same as everyone else saying it was a commercial holiday that didn't mean anything and that if people needed a special day in order to tell someone that you love them then your relationship can't be that good and blah blah blah. Now I'm on the other side of the fence then I feel bad for thinking like that.


Yes it is shoved in the face of everyone who is single but no more than Christmas is for non-Christians or Easter for diabetics.


Yes, Valentine's Day is overly commercialised but so are all holidays nowadays. Christmas, Mother's Day, Easter.


No, I don't need a day to know that Stephen loves me. He tells me and shows me every day and for that I know I am truely blessed


But tonight we will go out for dinner and celebrate because for me Valentine's Day is an excuse to eat lots of Italian food and drink a lovely bottle of wine and share a lot of laughs. I am not expecting flowers to be delivered to the office or overblown romantic gestures but I will continue to smile and look forward to my evening out with the man I love.


I do not want to push our love into people's faces but neither will I apologise for being happy.


If you're single or you don't celebrate Valentine's Day then fine, don't. Ignore it. But don't try to ruin my day because of it.

Look into my eyes...

On Tuesday night I had an appointment with a hypnotherapist.

I'd actually won it in a raffle at a networking event I went to so I thought I'd go along and give it a go. After all, I had nothing to lose.

The one thing I want to change my life is my weight. I am happy with my job (most of the time), I love my flat and have a wonderful boyfriend. The only thing I'd love would be to be a bit slimmer. I know my problem...I have no self control. I don't necessarily eat when I'm hungry. I eat when I'm bored or just because I'm tempted by something or I 'fancy' it. I start every day saying 'I'm going to be good today' and by 3:30 I'm munching on a chocolate bar.

I talked to the hypnotherapist about this and she said she could help me. She gave me some practical advice about diet and weightloss and then we went into the hypnotherapy. I wasn't exactly sceptical but I wasn't pinning all of my hopes on it however as she talked me down I felt myself relax until the only thing I was aware of was her voice talking to me. I wasn't asleep or unconscious. I could have moved or come out of it at any point but I didn't want to.

I drove home afterwards and cooked dinner all the time wondering 'Has this worked?'. I ate with Stephen and stopped when I was full, leaving the last of it for Stephen to finish off. Yesterday morning I woke up and ate breakfast then went to work. I ate my lunch, worked all afternoon and came home. In the evening I had dinner then I had a banana before going to bed.

I did not eat anything between meals. I did not snack. I was not tempted by the plate of chocolate biscuits left in the kitchen, or the packets of crisps. I wasn't tempted by chocolate when I went to Tescos to collect a prescription. I was amazed.

I listened to the 'top-up' CD I had been given by the hypnotherapist last night although I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and had breakfast and have just eaten lunch, having had nothing in between.

I feel fantastic. I feel positive. I feel like maybe, finally, I've found something which can help me do the one thing I have always struggled to do.

A year of walking, weighing and wishing

And so another year begins. I feel different this year. I'm not so full of high hopes and wishful thinking but I am positive nonetheless.

I don't really know where I want to be by the time 2009 rolls around because I am fairly happy with where I am now.

Stephen and I celebrate 100 days together tomorrow. I can honestly say I've never been happier. He's like a dream come true. He's wonderful and sweet and funny. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel like the most perfect woman in the world.

I've just been promoted at work so whilst I'm always keeping my eyes open for what's around, I'm happy staying here for now. New challenges mean I'm not bored and I can see a future, for the time being.

I love my flat. It really feels like home - mess and all!! I sometimes struggle to keep it tidy and understand a lot more now what my parents go through! It gets me down sometimes but I get over it and blitz it every now and then. I sometimes feel that my life is too busy to really enjoy my flat but that's not really true. I enjoy it when I'm there and the rest of the time it's just somewhere to lay my head.

The one thing I do want to change this year is my weight. I feel I say this every year and as positive as I am each year, it never quite comes true. This time Stephen and I are doing it together. We joined a gym on Saturday and have signed up to a 12 week personal training programme so that we're not just aimlessly trudging round the Cardio room. I am going to do the 7 day detox diet that I did last Summer. I lost 1st in a week last time and whilst I appreciate that that was not all fat, the quick results motivated me and kickstarted me into losing even more weight so hopefully it'll do the same this time.

Hannah and I have also signed up for the Playtex Moonwalk in May. It is a 26 mile marathon powerwalk that takes place in London...at night...in decorated bras! It's to raise money for breast cancer charities, a cause close to my heart. I enjoy walking and know that with enough motivation and training I can really do this. I felt bad about the Hydro Active. I hated running so didn't really train and whilst I'm proud I completed it and really chuffed I managed to run about half of it, I felt that I could have done better. So with walking it should be better as it's exercise that I can do every day and really enjoy.

So that's it. 2008 will be a year of discovery. A year of just seeing what happens...